"On The Outside Looking In"
As the rains came crashing down, the little band of travelers; joined by General Iguana and his men (...er, lizards) bobbed up and down aimlessly in the Els-pod, which was like a plexi-glass oval bubble. The storm was furious—the outside world had been turned into a blur of water washing down the sides of the pod. The Els-pod had self-contained illumination and curiously, everything inside the pod was now in color instead of the expected black and white of the flatlands.
“Where’s Larry?” asked Melissa, looking around.
“You mean he’s not in here?” questioned Cindy.
“I don’t see him,” added Woba.
“Everything happened so quickly,” started Lisa, “the rainbow swirled around us and then that odd feeling as if we were being levitated into the air.”
“Yeh,” continued Cleo, “and then that rainbow swirl started going up and over us. That made me dizzy.”
“I could have sworn that I felt the first drops of Kowdoon just before this marvelous bubble hardened around us,” stated General Iguana, banging his claw on the side.
“Rob, locate Larry,” requested Melissa.
“My readings indicate that he is still outside the protective confines of the Encapsulated Life Support Pod.”
Peering through the sides of the now bobbing pod, the girls saw nothing. Nothing, that is, except for water; and at this point, that was about six feet of water. The lightning and thunder continued, but the pod appeared to be for the most part soundproof.
“Keep an eye out for him,” said Lisa.
“Negative,” started Rob, “I have no eye.”
“Then keep a sensor on him,” snapped Melissa.
“Affirmative.”
“Cleo,” suggested Lisa, “do you know any magic that can bring him in here?”
“Now let me see,” he pondered.
“Quickly, Cleo,” urged Melissa, “every minute that passes is another foot of water out there.”
“And it’s one minute closer to the temperature change,” reminded Woba, “it’s gonna get awfully toasty out there.”
“The only thing I can figure is that he must not have performed Phase IV of the spell,” said Cleo, with a worried tone, “which is the portion of the spell designed to bring him inside the Els-pod.”
“Well, how could he have missed it?” asked Cindy.
“I’m hungry,” Woba cried.
“Please,” stated Lisa in an annoyed tone, then she continued, “Maybe Phase IV was on one of the missing pages?”
“Now what do we do? If we don’t get him in here soon, he’ll drown, or worse...” said Cindy, letting the rest of her thought trail off.
“Bake,” whispered a frightened Woba. There was a hush.
“How do we get out of this Els-pod?” asked the General.
“Not now!” snapped Melissa, “let’s find Larry first.”
“Calm down,” soothed Lisa, quite surprised at Melissa’s outburst. Melissa was usually the level headed one.
“You’re right,” she started, “I’m letting my emotions interfere with calm, rational thinking.”
“Well, I guess that’s understandable,” comforted Cindy.
“Rob,” began Melissa, after taking a few seconds to compose herself, “do you still have Larry on your sensors?”
“Negative. At this time I no longer register any lifeform readings outside.”
* * * *
Having gurgled out the incantation for a Multi-Purpose Protection Field (and then the Drying Spell for both “The Spell Book of Androganine” and myself), I began the task of finding a way to rejoin the group.
If you’re wondering why I didn’t just use the Drying Spell for the rains, the answer is that I tried that... and it didn’t do a damn thing. The Spell Book even states that the Drying Spell is only effective on small amounts of liquid. I guess 12 inches of water a minute is bit out of the bounds of ‘small amount.’
Underwater, the Multi-Purpose Protection Field took on the visible form a test tube surrounding me. The only problem with it was that while filled with air, it didn’t float. Had it down so, I would have been bobbing around on the surface, next to the Els-pod. Instead, I was forced to watch as the Els-pod dance about overhead on the surface, floating farther and farther away as the Kowdoon raged on. With the suns blocked out by the clouds, I soon lost sight of the pod, finding myself very alone.
As the waters around me continued to grow deeper and deeper, I found my world becoming increasingly darker. Quickly thumbing through the Spell Book, I came across an Illumination Spell that worked suitably to provide light within the confines of my Multi-Purpose Protection Field.
“The Spell Book of Androganine” was indeed a very useful thing to have around. In the Introduction, it explained that it was an indestructible (I guess that didn’t apply to missing pages), multi-lingual, all-purpose, user manual that had been written by the mighty sorcerer, Voldotz. He had been burdened with a short memory and would write down all of his spells and incantations as he came up with them. Evidently, he was the father of all that is magical and mystical in the universes.
It went on to explain that its spells were workable in all known dimensions at the time of its writing and that the book, on a whole or in part, could only be utilized by whoever had the Grotog cast upon them. This was the spell that enabled me to use the book and not the others. I then began to wonder why that giant kid back in Giant Land was able to use the Enlargement Spell if it was part of the book, unless he had the Grotog as well. The only other explanation I came up with was that since the spell resided on one of the missing pages, it was no longer part of the book and therefore possibly not covered by the restrictions governing the Grotog. At that point I realized that I was beginning to think like a lawyer and that it must be due to lack of sufficient oxygen.
A half hour had passed. By Rob’s earlier calculations, the rains should have stopped by now and the evaporation process should be commencing. According to “The Spell Book of Androganine,” the Multi-Purpose Protection Field that I was in would never stand up to the temperatures that this dimension was about to throw at me.
The logical thing for me to do was to try to get to Living Land before that happened. Once the danger had passed, I could investigate the whereabouts of the others. The book assured me that they’d be just fine in the Els-pod, though probably unable to get out of it without my help.
I cast the Conveyance Spell upon myself, hoping that maybe it worked underwater. Fortunately, I found that under its power, I could maneuver the field (and therefore, myself) along what was now the bottom of a 30-foot ocean. Looking through the Spell Book again, I found what was potentially a most useful spell. It was the Automatic Directional Homing Spell or ‘A.D.H.’ Reading aloud, I initiated the spell:
“Travitos, Locaty: Near.”
I felt myself spin around and figured that I must now be facing in the direction of Near, which—according to the map—was the direction of Living Land.
Since there was no way to confirm this, I went on the assumption that the book knew what it was doing and that I was being headed in the right direction. The now illuminated Multi-Purpose Protection Field and I began our journey through the dark underwater flatlands, toward what should my final destination, Living Land.
* * * *
The suns were shining down brightly now; all of the usual clouds having dissipated during Kowdoon. Beams of red, yellow and blue streamed into the Els-pod as Rob monitored the external and internal temperature readings.
“External temperature: 85.2 and rising. Internal temperature: 72 and holding.”
“That’s great,” said an only slightly pleased Lisa, “he’s now giving us Fahrenheit instead of Celsius. How did you manage it?”
“Well,” started Melissa, closing up a keyboard unit that was attached to Rob’s chest area, “permanently converting him out of metric was the least I could do to pass the time.”
“Larry will be grateful,” smiled Cindy.
“Cin,” cautioned Lisa.
“No, it’s all right,” said Melissa, calmly. “Larry’s got the Spell Book with him. I’m sure he’s figured out a way to protect himself from the Kowdoon and its aftermath.”
“Affirmative. There has been no biological debris detected thus far in the waters around us,” stated Rob.
“Please, Rob,” said Lisa in a surprised tone, “watch how you phrase things.”
“I only meant that if he was...”
“ENOUGH!” scolded Lisa.
“Can’t he make food,” asked Woba, patting Rob on the back of his treadle with his cubed leg, “I’m still oh-so hungry.”
“External temperature: 115.8 and rising. Internal temperature: 72 and holding.”
“Just let us know if the internal temp starts up,” instructed Melissa, “Woba, we’re all very hungry. You’re just going to have to be patient.”
“Excuse me, ma’am,” interrupted General Iguana, “my troops were wondering as to where we are headed and how we are going to get out of this fish bowl once we get there?”
“Well, General,” began Melissa, “to be completely honest with you, I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“You mean we’re going to starve in here?! Trapped like drofids in karnip!” panicked one of the lizards.
“Private?” warned the General, “control yourself.”
“Drofids in karnip?” Lisa questioned Cleo.
Cleo made a “yuchy” face, “ooooh, you don’t want to know.”
“External temperature: 139.2 and rising.”
“How hot did you say it was going to get?” asked Cindy.
“At the present rate of increase, the external temperature should reach 637.142-degrees,” replied Rob.
“And how soon will the water be gone?” asked Lisa.
“Approximately 31.2-minutes from now.”
“This Kowdoon is a seriously dangerous thing. One hour of complete devastation,” noted Melissa.
“How often does it happen?” inquired Lisa.
“Once every dorpid or so,” replied Cleo.
“Translation, Rob,” stated Melissa.
“A dorpid is equivalent to 5.26-years.”
“Thank you, my metallic friend,” smiled Cleo.
“So zofoes make ergins, and ergins make dorpids, then you get quans and deefons,” mused Cindy.
“External temperature: 204.3 and rising.”
“We should be able to see some action soon,” noted Lisa.
“What do you mean?” asked General Iguana.
“The boiling point of water is 212-degrees,” she replied.
“Affirmative.”
“The surface of this ocean should start turning into steam any time now,” replied Melissa.
“I’m still hungry,” moaned Woba.
As everyone stared at the ocean around them, they noticed the beginnings of the steam that Melissa had mentioned. It started out quite lovely; swirling around the surface like a fine mist. Within a few moments, the mist began to rise, slowly at first, but then very rapidly. The evaporation process began to fog the Els-pod, so the girls had to keep wiping at it with their hands to see out. The pod soon began bobbing around gently on the surface, until the evaporation gave way to an all out rolling boil. The surface became increasingly more furious, tossing the Els-pod to and fro.
“External temperature: 363.9 and rising. Internal temperature: 76.3 and rising.”
“20-minutes to go,” said Cindy, looking at her watch.
“Can the Els-pod withstand the increasing temperature?” asked Lisa.
“If memory serves, the Els-pod will still be solid when the suns reach their apex,” replied Cleo.
“External temperature: 398.2 and rising. Internal temperature: 78.4 and rising.”
“Cleo,” began Melissa, “you said the Els-pod can withstand the temperature, but what about us inside the Els-pod?”
“Well, it might get a wee bit warm in here,” stated Cleo.
“Rob,” said Cindy in a panicky voice, “can you define ‘a wee bit’ for us, please.”
“‘Wee’ is defined as very small, tiny. From the Olde English: waege, a weight.....”
“ROB!” snapped Lisa, “how.. hot.. is it.. going.. to get.. in here?” she instinctively wiped the sweat from her brow.
“At the current rate of increase, the internal temperature will reach 125.3.”
“Some life-support,” griped Lisa, punching the side of the Els-pod with her fist.
“What are we going to?” asked Cindy.
“I believe I speak for my men and myself,” stated General Iguana, “when I say the answer is: bask.” There was a short pause.
“What?” asked Lisa, in an aggravated tone.
“Bask: to expose oneself pleasantly to warmth...”
“Knock it off, Rob” sneered Lisa, casting him a glance.
“Affirmative. External temperature: 509.8 and rising. Internal temperature: 101.2 and rising.” Lisa swore later that there was a little hint of glee in his tone.
“Well,” said Melissa, kicking off her shoes and undoing her jeans, “there’s only one solution.”
“What’s that?” asked Cindy in a skeptical tone.
“We’re going have to stay cool, Cin,” she said, un-tucking her blouse.
“I’m not getting undressed in front of these lizards,” whispered Cindy.
“I’m with her,” said Lisa.
“Would you rather be roasted alive, like a pheasant under glass?” asked Melissa.
“No,” grumbled Cindy. She knew Melissa was right.
“Just take off your jeans and wrap your shirt around your waist. It’ll be like a skirt,” instructed Melissa.
“And our tops?” asked Cindy again.
“You’re probably still wearing your bikini top,” said Lisa, undoing her own jeans.
“Hey,” said Cindy, peeking down her T-shirt, “you’re right.” After a few seconds, she realized that Woba was watching her.
“Hey,” she said, in a slightly angry tone, “do you mind?”
Woba gave a puzzled look.
“Turn around,” she added. Woba looked around for a second and then spun himself in a little, complete circle.
Melissa laughed, “I think she means for you to face the other way.”
“Oh,” said Woba. With that, the three girls undressed themselves and prepared to sweat it out... literally.
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